Authentic Sex With Juliet Allen (EP#31)

Mason: Welcome everybody, and welcome Juliet Allen, absolute favorite sexologist podcast host. Let me put some spirit fingers on her. I love your work. I'm so happy to be doing this with you.

 

Juliet Allen: Oh, thank you. Thanks for having me here.

 

Mason: It's fun. And I initially thought it was three years, I think it's four years since we first talked on my podcast back in the day, which was, we were just chatting about it, it was called Masturbation In Utero. We'll have to get to that story again.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, I think we should revise that.

 

Mason: I think we'll revise that one because that was a big, like that just shatters the idea that we should just compartmentalize sex in our culture and not talk about it when in fact, from utero we're actually getting ourselves off.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. And our babies are getting themselves off while they're inside of us. Think of that. Shocking-

 

Mason: Absolutely shocking, awful, shame ... You know, back in my day babies would just behave themselves in the womb.

 

Juliet Allen: Now they're wanking it out. Stop it.

 

Mason: So, welcome everybody. I love your podcast. We had a really great chat recently on yours and it brought up that crossover between tonic herbalism, the desire for longevity, graceful aging, this capacity to create this culture of health that is unique to you and your family that's going to breed psychological emotional health and have you just be a rad 80, 90, 100 year old, versus one that's jaded and can't adapt with the times. And so, I think probably more than I've seen in doing an interview on anyone else's podcast when there's a different theme, the crossover was incredible. And likewise, people who are really into this tonic herbalism, and ramping up their internal organ health, and having a relationship with their organs naturally, that then does reach over, this desire to becoming [andoginously 00:02:41] aware of our sexuality not as a concept externally, definitely not as a concept that our culture tries to talk about because I think it's been quite immature up to this point, or maybe just not enough light put on it.

 

Mason: And so, the mystery is dissolving and this appropriateness for someone to go "Wow, that's really applicable to my life, and my longevity, and what I want. I want to be happy and I want to be a contributor to my family and my community, and I'll be a really great partner and a great parent." And all of a sudden, this approachability, like sexual practices. You've been doing it for years. It just feels like the wave is breaking for it. And so, yeah I had to share it with the SuperFeast community because they're frothing for it.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, for sure.

 

Mason: So, I want to talk about a couple of things. I'd like to let you introduce yourself, what you're into, why you're doing this, because yeah, it won't be the first time you're chatting with the SuperFeast crew.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. I'm a sexologist and a sex and relationship coach, and I have my own podcast, which is called Authentic Sex, and it's all about sex basically. I've always loved sex and I've always been really interested in it, so it made sense for me to study it probably a few years ago. I've been doing this for about eight years. And my background is psychology and yoga, and becoming a mom, which was the biggest initiation into all this stuff I think for me. And so, what I do is teach people about how to enjoy sex, and feel free in their bodies, and feel embodied. I feel passionately about the holistic approach to sexuality, and sexology, and tantra. I also am a tantra practitioner.

 

Juliet Allen: So, I love that side of things but I think what's missing in both traditional sexology and tantra is the health side. It's like here's some cool positions, here's some breathing techniques, this is how you can connect deeper. But then if we're not looking after connecting with ourselves deeper and our health, it's all going to come crashing down in the end. We're not going to be 60, 70, 80 and still enjoy making love. We're going to be all dried up and bored.

 

Mason: I feel like it's fair to say there's a wider renaissance going on around people rediscovering their sexuality, and at the moment it feels quite mature. There's still a lot of awareness of say, jade egg practices, vaginal health, for men semen retention, for women squirting. All these things, but they seem they're very bells and whistles, which are great. It's like with the tonic herbalism we're talking about how yeah, you kind of eventually get these superpowers that emerge, but it's definitely you try and chase those and make that the driving reason why you are practicing tonic herbalism. Likewise, if you try and make it just being a [inaudible 00:05:26], or being able to go all night, or being able to squirt, or having cervical orgasms and all those kinds of things, which of course we all agree that they're magic, but if you try and make that the driving reason I feel like it's very mental in a sense.

 

Juliet Allen: Very goal oriented too, like I'm doing this to squirt, or I'm doing this because I get to put a jade egg in my pussy and now I'm sexually empowered-

 

Mason: Mm-hmm (affirmative). Now if you put it on Instagram now you're cool.

 

Juliet Allen: We're very cool.

 

Mason: I'm just saying that I do think it is awesome that these are emerging. But again, contextualization. So, where would you approach it if you were looking with 10, 20, 30, 40 years of opening up that doorway and making sexual health and just an awareness of your sexuality, and therefore your relationship with your partners or just yourself if you're alone? Where do you enter to make sure that this is a sustainable intention? What are the foundations for this relationship to sexuality that you suggest people enter with?

 

Juliet Allen: Good question. No one's ever really asked me that, so I like that. I would say the first one would be your relationship with yourself. We can't expect to be enjoying great sex with others if we're not enjoying it with ourselves. And so, there's still taboo around masturbation, and that goes way back to Christianity, et cetera. If you masturbate your dick's going to fall off and all those-

 

Mason: Oh, is that one? The propaganda?

 

Juliet Allen: Did you not hear that? Which church do you think that was? The Catholic church.

 

Mason: The church that educated me from year 7 to 12.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. [inaudible 00:06:56] a lot of people. So, there's all these beliefs around masturbation that aren't true. And then, self pleasure I believe is the foundation. So, it doesn't necessarily mean that we need to be doing it every day. I don't self pleasure every day. Sometimes I do, but it's about having a relationship to our sexual energy, and being able to feel that energy in our body, and be connected to our desires and what feels good. And then in a larger sense, not just being able to "get ourselves off," its more about what's our relationship to pleasure in general. Are we enjoying life? Are we enjoying our work? Are we enjoying what we do for exercise and movement? This is the bigger way of looking at pleasure, and self pleasure is like how is it related to all areas of our life, not just what happens when we touch ourselves-

 

Mason: Do you feel like there could be some ways in order to enter into that realm for with ourselves, where really having a deep budding relationship with ourselves and masturbation to begin with we might have to look at other areas of our lives and just get real with ourselves? Even the way we're exercising is depleting us, so no wonder you're not going to have enough energy to get it up, or to lubricate, or whatever it is, or the relationship you're in is actually draining. Because this is one thing I've looked at, sustainability. We've got all these full time jobs in our lives. You've got your education and running your business, you're a parent, you've got a relationship with your partner, you've probably got a hobby, there's the daughter. Not that these are jobs, but we can put it in that context. And jobs need a certain amount of time in order for them to thrive. Then you've got your exercise.

 

Mason: And if any of these things are depleting you, then one of your full time jobs needs to be going and recovering from one of these areas of your life. And therefore, that recovery time might be going in and taking up that space and energy that you'd have to go in and really sexually activate long term. Do you feel like that's the [crosstalk 00:08:52]-

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. You're on the money with that, definitely. I think it's cool you've brought up exercise, because there's this belief around the more I exercise the better, or the harder I go the better, like Crossfit being an example. Go, go, strong, strong, heavy, heavy. People are not realizing that if you're not allowing your body to rest and recuperate, then your libido is going to be decommissioned because your libido's going to be like what the fuck? You're using all this energy to slam yourself and then these big body builder guys are like, don't know why I can't get hard or where my libido's gone-

 

Mason: It's not just the steroids.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, it's not. I mean, it's not their fault either. Who educates us around this? This is the stuff we should be learning in high school, but we're not. So, this is not making people wrong. This is just stuff that I'm passionate about, talking about, and bringing awareness to.

 

Mason: I like you focusing on, like I talk about Crossfit a lot and I know people who are doing Crossfit super well. Like [inaudible 00:09:53], we talked about veganism quite a lot in your podcast. I do know people that are doing it really conscientiously, but like with any extreme I like to go sit in your 80 year old self. With your exercise practice, sit in your 80 year old self when you're approaching your practice, or your movement practice, or your exercise, or whatever you want to call it, and feel like how's this really building me up for when I'm 80 years old? And if you start to shine the light on your libido and your ability activate sexually, for your 80 year old self what does that look like?

 

Mason: I find your work sustainable because you seem to appreciate that in the beginning, and I want to talk about this. In the beginning when we're opening up the doors, what's the practices, what's the techniques for us to start really developing a relationship with ourselves, with masturbation? Then as we go through those stages and those practices, we want to get to the embodiment stage. What's that distinction there? When we're beginning, what do we do? Is it just allocating time during the day to do these things?

 

Juliet Allen: I'm just thinking. So, you want really practical examples for people?

 

Mason: Somewhat, or even I'd like you to talk through that process of when does it click over and all of a sudden you've embodied this ability to just be with yourself and masturbate without it being something that your mind needs to think about it? You know, like I better go masturbate now because that's a good thing to do. For men, I think it's really when does it get to the point? Because in our generation, it was go and pick up a magazine, or now it's like jump on the internet, beat off, and then boom you're done. So, there needs to be a process to go, and how would I go and pleasure myself or masturbate? What's the intention? How would I do this for myself so that we can then get to that point where we don't have to think about it anymore? What's my intention behind masturbation long term so that we can emerge above that well, I'm kind of horny I'd just like to get off right now? And I know this is kind of conceptual, but what do you see are those key pillars in terms of allowing this to be an embodied practice in life?

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, good question. I think one thing would be thinking about it as non-goal oriented, which is what I spoke about before. So, self pleasure isn't about ... I mean, it is for some people and it can be, even for me if I'm in that mood, but it doesn't have to be about the big bang at the end or getting off. It's more so about start thinking about self pleasure as being a way to connecting with your heart, not just your pussy or cock but your heart, your womb space, your [etheric 00:12:28] womb as a man, your consciousness, your entire being, not just your genitals, and taking away for men the having to ejaculate.

 

Juliet Allen: I'm not anti ejaculation, I'm just more so I talk about ejaculation choice. So, teaching men to be able to choose when they ejaculate or don't, and not always ejaculating because it creates a really different experience for men and women who are with the men when there's not always ejaculation involved. Imagine if you take that out. Just sit with that if you're listening and you're like, "What is she talking about?" But what does it mean if there's no end to love making? It's just pure connection.

 

Mason: I've heard you say that, and that's one of the key distinctions for me. And even when there is ejaculation, going now that's just not an end and then we'll let the fires go out, and then I'll try and rekindle it for next time I want to have sex. It's like now, how do we keep that flaming, and what actions do I take now, and how do I process my emotions now to keep that fire going and almost start preparing, also still enjoying the sexual practice with my partner? That's difficult for me. That was difficult for me to not just go cold.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, because that's quite common for men. They ejaculate and then they feel instantly less connected to their partner, connected to themselves if we're talking about self pleasure. And it can be similar to you're watching the porn and you're on some really random thing that you've ended up watching. You cum and then it's just like oh my God, what was I watching? You know that one, where you're just like fuck, that needs to stop and the laptop needs to close? It can be the same feeling with sex and wow, we were just, oh, okay. And now just feeling disconnected and the woman feeling abandoned. That's common, just energetically abandoned.

 

Mason: Or it's almost like pretending it didn't happen the next day even, right?

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah.

 

Mason: That's something I really appreciate [Tony 00:14:30] for in teaching me. It was like there's an acknowledgment the next day. That's helped me feel this connected never ending thread of our ... Well, it's not just our sexual relationship and our relationship, it's all intertwined. And that original distinction that you were talking about, I think we maybe even spoke about it on the podcast, it's had me always thinking about it. I've kind of found a struggle to maintain that always in flirtation mode, you're always in foreplay.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, that's for mentality. You're always in foreplay. That's a good one. Foreplay isn't just like touching breasts, and then a little kiss on the pussy, and then you're in.

 

Mason: Can you talk about that? Like what is it for you?

 

Juliet Allen: Everybody's different. Constantly for me it's feeling connected in my heart with my partner, Nick. So, what turns me on is an open heart. This is common for women because our positive pull in our body is our heart, and for men their positive pull is their penis, so the magnet. But I find that if I feel connected at the heart I feel more inclined to want to have sex. So, for me it's more about how we're communicating, and expressing how we're feeling, and being able to be really vulnerable with each other and talk about what's going on for us. That's foreplay for me in a way because if my partner opens up around something that's really quite hard to talk about, he talks from his heart and I instantly feel softer, I feel more open, I feel more connected, and then I want sex. So, that's one thing.

 

Juliet Allen: And then yeah, the other thing would be like your example, not just fucking and then just stops in the bedroom, and you just wake up and go to work and it's like oh, we've had our sex for the week so, cool. Got my rocks off and I'm done. There's more of a continuation of the energy between you. And making sure you're kissing every day, and just having cuddles and waking up. Like I woke up this morning, well Nick woke me up just by kissing me and then holding me. It's like that's normal for us, but for some couples they wake up and they scroll through Instagram on their phone. This still blows my mind this is happening.

 

Mason: That's dousing the flame big time.

 

Juliet Allen: It makes me sad that that's happening still.

 

Mason: I think we underestimate at times how much effort it takes, and this is fun, effort to come back to having a rocking relationship and a rocking sex life, but I think it's confronting. I can feel like we've all got it in us to then just default of whatever our version of just scrolling through Instagram is at the beginning. That's where for me what's really useful is going now, what's my life going to be like, what's my family culture going to be like, or what's it going to be like for [inaudible 00:17:12] growing up watching me love her mom, or what's it going to be like for us when we're 60 and still absolutely frothing for each other sexually? Like what would that mean for my sense of what life is about and how much I value life? For me, that's my little way out of it so I don't get caught in the details of the morality of going shit, I've woken up and I haven't kissed and cuddled, I've gone straight into work mode. Then it just seems like another rule I haven't adhered to or something like that.

 

Juliet Allen: Totally. Yeah, I agree. I like your way of thinking about what do I want to feel like when I'm 60 or 80. I'll definitely take that from you-

 

Mason: Yes. That's so useful. [inaudible 00:17:49] I find that useful.

 

Mason: Back to that choice of whether a guy cums or not, is that both in just ceasing before you feel like you're going to ejaculate, as well as semen retention? So, you're talking about whether you have a choice and it's not about that big bang. You know, I'm definitely not at the point of mastering semen retention yet, not enough of a [inaudible 00:18:10] yet. That might be too much information for people, but you know.

 

Juliet Allen: These are the conversations that need to be having, so thank you for sharing.

 

Mason: It's all good. I remember reading the [inaudible 00:18:20] books and all those kinds of things-

 

Juliet Allen: I was about to mention that.

 

Mason: They're super useful, and I still use these techniques and still do my squeezes. You need to squeeze your PC muscle 500 times a day and suck up that energy through your anus and up, all the energy up. I consciously do that, but it's still a bit convoluted for me, those techniques, and I'm also just not putting pressure on myself to get this ambiguous skill. Rather, I want to make sure I really internally feel these processes. And perhaps the bread and butter is that it's more ... I start what we were just talking about, and really creating this real, beautiful, loving relationship consistently in foreplay. That's probably the bread and butter for me to get that flame that's going to make all these other things possible, these longevity practices possible.

 

Mason: So, in that point if you're masturbating it's not about the big bang. Is it something you suggest for men sometimes it's just to make it about that experience with yourself and see if you can just okay, cool, now we'll stop and we'll not make it about that big bang?

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, definitely. So, what's coming to mind is you need to get Nick on the show to talk about his journey with this because it will be from a man's perspective who's journeyed through this a lot. But from my perspective from being with men who don't ejaculate the last few years, and from working with men on this, it doesn't need to even be about getting hard. It's just about connecting in. It might just be like touching your thigh. It might just be five minutes too. I think there's this thing around it needs to be hours and hours of love making, and I self pleasure for an hour every morning. It doesn't need to be that. It's okay to just massage your breasts as a woman and be like wow, this feels good. I feel good and I'm done. This is it. Same with a man. You might just want to massage your arms. This sounds a bit ... Some men are like come on, I just want to get to my dick because it feels good. But it's about feeling the sensations in your body if you are touching your genitals, and then when you feel like you're getting closer to ejaculation you then slow down and back off.

 

Juliet Allen: So, this technique is called edging. This is a practical thing men can do, probably best practiced when you're self pleasuring because then you don't have the expectation of a partner, et cetera. Get yourself close, then back off, and then feel the sensations you feel in your body versus what you would feel if you were basically just go go go, cum. So, back off and then take yourself a bit closer, back off, closer, back, closer, back. You want to know where your point of no return is. The point of no return is for both men and women when we're close to orgasm and then it's like jumping off a cliff. Once you start falling you're off the cliff no matter what. You know that feeling where you're like okay, this is on.

 

Mason: Yeah. That same feeling for me I feel like you know the pool's going to be cold, and you just jump and you're in the air and you have that little bit of time to go shit, no going back now.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, totally. We all know that feeling. So, it's about really getting, and this is the art of getting to know yourself for women too, is knowing when's that point of no return and being able to stop just before it, because what happens is you then build a flow of energy through your body. So, your sexual energy is down in your genitals, and clitoral orgasms and ejaculation for men, they're both quite similar in that the energy's down there and it's all built up down there. And then we're not taught how to whole pleasure in our bodies, so we automatically want to get rid of it out and down through those lower chakras. If you think of ejaculation, for a guy it's down and out. Same with clitoral orgasms, they're quite out and short and sharp.

 

Juliet Allen: What you want to get to is being able to breathe up the energy through your body so that then you're feeling waves of energy coming up through your heart up to your crown, et cetera. And then for men, they can have full body orgasms without ejaculating. And then women who are doing the same and avoiding clitoral orgasms all the time, then start to feel different sensations.

 

Mason: Just going into that, I really do resonate with that practice, playing around on that edge. Then when you're experiencing the energy move up through your body, I'd like to just explore that a little bit because I haven't quite been able to articulate what's going on besides just relating to it that I feel my energy and my chi moving up through different channels. But I know my organs are involved and I know my bones are involved. You know, I've heard you speak about that. I feel like everyone, maybe I shouldn't assume this, at times had that your orgasm isn't compartmentalized. You feel at least permeate a little bit of your body, if not your whole body. You're orgasm-ing with your entire body. Is it releasing tension through the organs to allow the sensations or the perception of our organs and bones do you feel, or the intricacies of our nervous system to feel? I'm not expecting an answer, but what's your exploration of what's going on or do you ... Maybe I'm looking too far. Is it just allowing your chi and your energy to flow free?

 

Juliet Allen: That's such a [Mason 00:23:28] question that [inaudible 00:23:30]. It's so awesome. However, I don't think that deeply about it. For myself personally, it's more about just surrendering to the mystery of the sexual energy and where it takes me, and just becoming very present with my breath, and if I'm with my partner becoming in sync with him in the love making. But I haven't thought, like outside of the bedroom I haven't thought of organs and bones and all that. Maybe someone else is more of an expert on that-

 

Mason: Maybe. And what I'm realizing is I don't really need to know that. It's probably more my, I'm not sure about impatience for what, but just wanting satiation of answers. And it falls into that goal orientation, which is good to an extent, but perhaps looking in ... I think that's a valid question that I made, don't get me wrong, but looking in the wrong places versus feel a little bit of surrender could really do me and my hectic mind some good in this instance.

 

Juliet Allen: Definitely. And for you, maybe if you are [inaudible 00:24:30] in your head, maybe working on surrender is the piece for you, which is actually being more in your feminine receiving energy, as opposed to being in the masculine, which is more penetrative with your energy. So, for people who are listening who can relate to this, and men in particular, you could have a conversation with your partner, whether you're with a man or a woman, around flipping that energy and then saying, "I want to work on being able to surrender more so that I can feel more of that energy in my body," and being okay with receiving, which comes back to doing the work on yourself, which I didn't mention.

 

Juliet Allen: We spoke about the foundations and I was like self pleasure, but I think one of the foundations is working on our shit, basically. So, working with therapists, coach, whoever it is, mentors, light workers, body workers, whatever, working on the stuff, the baggage that we're carrying from our childhood in all areas, not just sex. But if there's any sexual trauma whatsoever, and that doesn't need to be extreme sexual trauma, it can just be being young and having sex with a guy and just ... I've done it, where I'm just like I don't really like this but I'm going to keep going because I promised him that we'll keep going. At the time it seemed fine, but now I look back and I'm like that was traumatic. I didn't know how to say no. So, working through all those things as an individual so that we can let go of all that shit, release the emotion out of our body that we've been pushing down since all these times, then what happens is we feel more and we feel more sexual energy in our body.

 

Mason: To leave that door open for people, working on [inaudible 00:26:08] can be quite confronting. It's an ongoing process, of course. Do you do that? Do you talk to people in that sense? I know you're not a [inaudible 00:26:14], but you've studied psychology and I know you ... Do you do that with people in your work?

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, I work one on one with people. I say I'm a coach because I studied psychology but I didn't become a registered psychologist, and I don't ever desire to become a registered psychologist because I just blend in a lot of different modalities into one. But yeah, I work with people and definitely I can't just be like "Oh, so your relationship isn't working? Cool, well here's the Kama Sutra. Just pay me now." It's like "All right, so what's your relationship like with your mom and dad?" That's often where we start.

 

Mason: Well, I like that. I tell people quite often, "I'm not a practitioner, but remember I'm also actively not trying to become a practitioner," because I love [practition 00:26:59]. I agree with you, people should be going and working with maybe a therapist, someone clinical who can really specialize. But remember that institution that holds that healing information, they don't own that healing information. The whole point is to embody within to our lifestyle where we don't need to go to these extremes to heal, although I've definitely needed those extremes at times and I'm grateful for them. But we need it to be permeating our lifestyle constantly so that when we can all of a sudden, when we feel that buildup of emotion that kept over years could become many sexual dysfunction. We just share it if I am comfortable, but share it with your partner. That's where we desire this to get to, right?

 

Juliet Allen: Definitely.

 

Mason: Or if it's not a partner it's just being honest with yourself. That's being able to mirror within yourself how you're going to move forward and evolve these emotions or thought patterns, right?

 

Juliet Allen: Definitely. And that's important that you're saying being honest with yourself, because that's where it starts. Because if we're not honest with ourselves, then how can we be honest with our partners? Personally, I've definitely learned big lessons though that where I've lied to myself and denied stuff about myself, and then it's come up in partnership and I've struggled to be honest because I'm just not even facing shit myself. So, it starts with that.

 

Juliet Allen: But like you said, it's a lifelong process and it's okay to change practitioners and modalities throughout life. I have a mentor, a therapist, acupuncturist, body worker, colonic, you know all these different people that support me. It's just like any other area of our health. We need to find support in sexual health in different ways, and sexual health not just meaning STIs and all that, sexual health meaning everything, spiritual, emotional, mental, physical. All that is our sexual health.

 

Mason: Yeah, that's huge. It's ongoing. I love how huge it is. Do you grill your practitioners in terms of if your acupuncturist says you've got this kind of pattern, or excess, or deficiency? Do you grill them about what that means in terms of then, maybe grill's the wrong word, but then going-

 

Juliet Allen: Do you grill? That's the question.

 

Mason: Well, I don't go to practitioners. I'm trying to make more of an effort to do it and open that, because I've had one of my full time jobs we were talking about before is I had so much space to just be my own practitioner, and I felt like I could do it responsibly because I had the time to research and just sit there feeling sensations and experimenting. But now it's like between SuperFeast, and my family, and family stuff, and all that, it's like okay, well it would be nice to have a little bit of support in that sense. But when working with a therapist or ... [inaudible 00:29:46] the naturopath, going to get the acupuncturist on side as well. But then I want to make sure that when I come out of that session that I didn't just go and get my tune up and then I'm on my way.

 

Mason: I want to make sure I'm taking away information and insights that I'm going to be able to embody and understand in myself because that's something ... Our sexual health, like you said outside STDs, it permeates life and you can't separate it from your consistent diet, the way you're making love, the way you're relating to your family, and all those kinds of things. So, it's more about what I sense ... The way you talk about these things, I love it. It's like we're not putting anything on a pedestal. We're not trying to use fluffy language or trendy languaging to draw people in. This is just such a fucking normal thing and a conversation, so when you're with a practitioner, when people are going and seeing you, and I know that's your desire, grill them and make sure that your practitioner's just not, you're not allowing them to just heal you and then off you pop on your way.

 

Juliet Allen: Oh, yeah. You want to be able to integrate that stuff into your life. The ideal person for me who comes to me to see me doesn't need too many sessions. I am not in the business for trying to get people to come to me monthly. I want to support them to move forward, and not need to spend money on me, and feel empowered to be able to look after their own health. And I think with practitioners I see I definitely, answering your question about grilling, I don't grill them but I'm onto what they're doing. Like I see my acupuncturist and I'm like, "What's my pulse saying? Tell me about it." I always love hearing about my pulse because that tells me a lot about where I'm at with my health. What's my tongue look like, et cetera? So, I have a good understanding of what they're doing.

 

Juliet Allen: And I'm also mindful of not taking on too many practitioners and not being like if I have five different practitioners, then that's going to fix me. And I've done that before. I even said to Nick the other day, I said "Should I see a chiro?"

 

Juliet Allen: He's like, "Why?"

 

Juliet Allen: And I was like, "I don't know, because-

 

Mason: Ambiguous benefits.

 

Juliet Allen: "Because aren't they good? I've heard there's a good chiro in Coolangatta."

 

Juliet Allen: He's like "Why, what's your intention? You're working on your strength, you're working on this. Why, just to pay another practitioner?"

 

Juliet Allen: It was good. He challenged me and it was just me kind of trying to be like I'm going to pay someone to make me have more energy. It's like well, actually all I need to do is stop doing so much and cut out sugar ... all right.

 

Mason: Yeah, that's the good. The tongue and the pulse tell you about a lot. Oh, this is going on with your spleen. All right, what does spleen mean? All right, sugar, all right, good. Okay.

 

Juliet Allen: Damn those sweet treats that I just keep slipping in.

 

Mason: Can't deny it.

 

Juliet Allen: Even the raw sweets, you know?

 

Mason: Yeah [crosstalk 00:32:30].

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. They're so delicious, but years ago I used to eat so many of them and I was just A, wired from all the cacao, but I just had sugar overload.

 

Mason: I hear you. That's just all [inaudible 00:32:45] normally, just packed full. They're delicious, don't get me wrong-

 

Juliet Allen: They're so delicious-

 

Mason: Packed full of really indigestible things, like lectin packed legumes and stuff that really contribute in excess to permeability of the gut. Once your gut's permeability's off, your body doesn't have time for libido. If you're ignoring the foundations of health, you don't have time for libido. This is the thing that I can't stop looking at. Like oh gosh, it's stress. Yeah, I know I'm stressed. It's like fucking change your life. Do you understand how important your sexual health, and your libido, and your sex hormones are to your 80 year old self or to your tomorrow health? You need to look at these things hardcore. I like you've been goal oriented so much. I like just throwing that out the window. Goals are great, you need them.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. It's okay to cum every now and again too. I love when my partner ejaculates, but it's by choice, and it's like a joint decision too, and there's often sex magic happening. It's like let's use this seed to manifest what we want, because that seed's just as rich as menstrual blood in the power in the seed. So, it's like having a clear intention behind our sex, not just fucking for the sake of releasing pressure in our lives.

 

Mason: And then what do you see in terms of ... We're talking about health a lot here, when you bring in sexual therapy or sexual practices, just developing this within ourselves. For some people this is going to be new and exciting space to go into. What can we expect in terms of our physical and emotional health? What can emerge through getting our sex life rocking?

 

Juliet Allen: Well, they go hand in hand. It's like the chicken and the egg. Is it the really great health that makes our sex life better or is it having a great sex life? They're both-

 

Mason: It's like a figure eight.

 

Juliet Allen: It is.

 

Mason: We're all connected.

 

Juliet Allen: Well, when we're really feeling our sexual energy in our body, and we're connected to that, and it's alive, and for anyone listening who feels like they've lost their sexual energy, or they feel numb, or you just had a baby and you're just feeling like so depleted, your libido's disappeared, just rest assured it will come back. It can come back and it's still there. It's just having a little bit of time out because your body is stressed. But when we feel really in touch with our sexual energy I feel, and from what I experience with clients, friends, and for myself, feel more creative because it's the same energy as creative energy. So, it's like we can fuel our life with creativity more, create more in the sense of work, or create more with our family, or whatever it is. There's more of a turn on in all areas of our life, not just I'm having great sex and then I'm getting on with my life. It's like we're in a way just fucking the world in a good way-

 

Mason: I like that, yeah. Just fuck the world.

 

Juliet Allen: Fuck the world in a good way. We're not putting the finger up to the world. We're like I'm penetrating the world with this beautiful, amazing, vibrant, sexual energy. We can manifest anything.

 

Mason: Well, because you know what? I feel like sexual energy has been taboo, and therefore I am my sexual energy. I can't deny that. And when that isn't present in my work, and when I talk about sexual energy I'm not allowed to mention that that's there and present when I'm there with my family or I'm relating to my disabled mom. But when I shut off that intricate part of myself associated with my sex hormones, and my creativity, and my real essence of who I am, then I need to form an external identity to go and survive that part of my life. That's part of I can identify that's why I've had to compartmentalize my work self, my [stake 00:36:20] presence, my as a son, me as a dad, versus really just going out there and as you said, allowing my sexual energy to be present at all times. Therefore, I can be who I am at all times and not feel like I need agenda, huge goals to dominate the world or any of these things. So therefore, I don't need all these different identities in different parts of my life, and just be cool.

 

Mason: I'm just getting excited about it, little understandings. You're sexually present and you're loving yourself is what's going on, right?

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, essentially that's what it is. You're loving yourself.

 

Mason: Loving the world.

 

Juliet Allen: There's nothing wrong with that. Like you said, you can be with your family and still feel sexual energy. You can be with your children and still feel sexually alive and feel the energy. There's nothing wrong with that. It's going to feed into the enthusiasm that you have for being present with your daughter. It's not a bad thing, and I feel passionately about, I think you mentioned it earlier on, but around being this for our children. That's what inspires me as a mother, is the best sex ed we can give to our kids is just embodying a healthy sex life, embodying an empowered sexual being, embodying that energy, working through our stuff, and prioritizing this in our lives as one area. So, for me a high value is health, and then sex is in that.

 

Juliet Allen: But intimacy, and passion, and sex is another thing that I prioritize, and my daughter knows that and that's normal. She knows that we make love and she knows that when the door's closed we're making love. She's so sweet with it. She just knows that this is part of life. And more than the condom chat, more than the pregnancy chat, just be that person and your children will receive a powerful transmission of that and take that forward into the world-

 

Mason: Yeah, the conversations open.

 

Juliet Allen: Somebody asked me the other day, one of my hairdressers, I've got a few going at the moment that I'm trialing.

 

Mason: You love [practitions 00:38:18].

 

Juliet Allen: I love a good hairdresser and I'm sick of flying to Melbourne just for a haircut. So anyway, that's another story.

 

Juliet Allen: She said "When are you going to have the chat with your daughter," knowing my daughter's 12.

 

Juliet Allen: I said "There is no chat. It's been going since she was born."

 

Mason: That chat started a while ago.

 

Juliet Allen: That chat started-

 

Mason: Well, that's interesting because-

 

Juliet Allen: This is just something for parents listening. It's like you don't need to have the chat. Just be that person. What do you want your son or daughter to experience in intimacy, relationship, and sex? Find that for yourself and then-

 

Mason: Be in the conversation-

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, it's just normal-

 

Mason: Trying to find what the best diet. It's like just be in the conversation. And remember, conversations should be ... If you're at a party, life's a party, you want just epic conversations that are ongoing, that take you on emotional roller coasters. It's generally just fun. You don't want to have a conversation, get to an outcome, and go "Great, we have reached the outcome of this conversation." That's a dry, boring party. And same with sex and in the household. Keep it ongoing, have fun with it.

 

Mason: So, we talked a lot about the bread and butter because this is it-

 

Juliet Allen: We could sit here for days.

 

Mason: Yeah. We should do a retreat or something one day. We'll give ourselves the opportunity to.

 

Juliet Allen: Just for us?

 

Mason: Yeah, just for us. Yeah, that's it.

 

Mason: Talked about the bread and butter, talked about the psychological health, having this relationship with yourself. It is about this loving relationship with yourself, whether you're single currently and maybe staying that way, that's all good. But especially in a partnership, often we just try and start with a conversation of "What can we do to spice things up in life?" But under the context of actually what we've discussed, what are some fun little conversations or things to think about, like little practices or ways to maybe spark it up a little bit and bring some spice to the conversation within your sexual relationship?

 

Juliet Allen: Okay.

 

Mason: And random ones, all good. We were talking about handjobs before because that was your last podcast, and it brought up a really-

 

Juliet Allen: We just had over a cacao just a casual handjob conversation.

 

Mason: That was a good conversation. I don't know if you want to share with folks now. We might as well.

 

Juliet Allen: Let's go. Let's dive into handjobs. Okay, well we were talking about, I just did a podcast titled, handjobs were in the title. And you were saying how you're going to listen to the episode, and I was speaking about how there's a lot of focus on blowjobs but handjobs aren't really getting much attention at all.

 

Mason: I'm going to try to keep it in this spice up your sex life kind of segment. But there's these cultural conversations, especially around when you're coming from the porn world that we all grew up in and it's just like handjobs are first base, and blowjobs are this base. And so, there's this progression, one's better than the other. Maybe ask your partner for ... It might be very interesting after this to hear what the equivalent is for me to ask in terms of what my partner might like, because it's not always about that just same progression, start here, and then blowjob or finish a blowjob, and then go into having sex. But like hey, do you enjoy getting hand jobs? You know, for a woman to ask their man.

 

Mason: I just realized I was like hey, you know what? I just realized I really love handjobs. The thing is you know, blowjobs are always better. But no, that's sometimes not the thing for me. Basically, I just don't bring it up. I just don't bring these things up because it's just like that's unfair for me to ask for these things. So, I thought that could be a fun one to throw in.

 

Mason: But from the other way around, what is something women wouldn't necessarily be getting or getting asked that a man could possibly ask "Hey, do you like this? Would you like me to do that?" What are some fun ones we could throw in there?

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. I mean, on this note this is all communication, isn't it? Communication is key when we're relating with other people. And sexually relating, we can't expect the other person to know what we like. We're all so unique, every individual is unique, and a lot of the challenges that people face when they come to me are like "Oh, my partner doesn't know what I want." It's like firstly, do you know what you want? Usually the answer's no. And then secondly, it's like have you told them? Have you asked for what you want or you desire? Often the answer's no. And it's only because there's nothing wrong with this, not being able to talk about it, it's because we just haven't been taught about these things and educated.

 

Juliet Allen: So, for people listening it's okay to ask for what you desire. And so, some things that we can do is a really good conversation I get couples to do with me is having the conversation around how do you like to be initiated with sex? If I were to initiate sex with you, what is it that you would like? Because there's a lot of what do you say? Not miscommunication, it's just like we assume the other person wants the same as us.

 

Juliet Allen: So, say for men it's like they just go in, touch the pussy straight away because they want their cock touched, and they're like this is what turns her on. Then I suck on her nipples and I just can't figure out why she's just not into it. So, for women we're like touching and slow kissing, and the guy's like just touch my cock. This is just a makeup scenario.

 

Juliet Allen: So, if we have the conversation around how do you want to be initiated then we know what our partner wants. And so, then we know how to turn them on more. And often it's very different, so that's a cool ... It sounds like maybe a boring conversation, but it can open up such a can of worms with oh my God, for 10 years I've been doing it this way. I didn't know that you wanted me to kiss your entire back. For some people that's-

 

Mason: That conversation again is an ongoing one, right? Because I often get frustrated that I don't exactly know how to ask for what I want. Generally, that's because I don't know what I want. You know what I mean?

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, totally.

 

Mason: In that instance, is it just consistent exploration of being up front about the fact that I know I want something and I don't know what to ask for right now?

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, just be really honest. Like I don't even know what I want, but I want to feel a certain way, or I want to explore this energy or this archetype, if you're into archetypes. There's all the different archetypes-

 

Mason: Can you go through those?

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. There's for women and men very similar. The priestess archetype, the slut archetype, the maiden who's soft and sweet. The slut being the more outwardly sexual, owning her sexuality, knowing what she wants and getting it. The priestess is more like the Egyptian goddess who's just more in touch with her upper chakras basically, and being able to just manifest and be magical. The same with men, it's like the magician, the warrior, which the same for women is the wild woman, the more primal archetype. So, it's cool to explore archetypes within us as men and women because then we can drop into that energy during love making and feel into like I feel like I'm in more that slutty energy, or for your partner to be like I'd love to be with your slut tonight. I really feel like that energy. Or I'd love for you to be a little softer and sweeter tonight. That energy is what's going to turn me on.

 

Mason: Therefore, what do you need if I was to request that to get there-

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah.

 

Mason: Yeah. That's beautifully dynamic and interesting, and I think that's something ... Like I've definitely experienced myself getting complacent and going oh, that's how you were at the beginning of the relationship. I thought therefore, that's what you like when it goes from one archetype to being like no I like in this language the maiden. I require that, but that's for me to go and change gears as being, like I've had to go and inquire into how I'm actually relating to myself in order to slow down and get sensual. It's not like just turned on whenever I feel like it. There might be a five hour lead up or something that's required.

 

Mason: And also, the fact that archetypes can change through the love making, right-

 

Juliet Allen: Totally.

 

Mason: You start with them. This is why you've got to be beautifully on your toes. You've got to be agile. This is what we want longevity for. We want strong joints and a slippery mind so that we can ... Oh, hang on. We're going from a maiden here. We're getting into a bit of a slut energy, and then oh priestess-

 

Juliet Allen: She's got her ass in my face and she's being all slutty. It's like all right, we're rolling with this. How does my energy need to change with that.

 

Juliet Allen: One thing that I want to mention is for the archetypes it is relevant to the moms and the dads who are listening is that what can happen when we have babies, which I know a lot of your audience would have young children or children and we both do-

 

Mason: Or even preparing for when they do have children, yeah-

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah, for parenthood. When the woman goes through pregnancy, and in birth, and then becomes a mother, she can often go from the lover archetype in the eyes of her partner into the mother archetype. And then she goes into the mother archetype, and then it is common for couples to have mismatched libidos throughout that early baby breastfeeding stage, because what's happened is the man's been with his lover and it's like she's my lover. Then suddenly it's like the mother archetype. It's like hang on, this is a completely different energy. Most of her energy is breastfeeding and all that.

 

Juliet Allen: And so, for couples this is just for couples who have kids to think about and if you're struggling with sex, is like how can the male or the person who's in the masculine role if you're in a same sex couple, how can you best support the mother to feel more in her lover? Does that mean she needs an hour every day without baby to connect within herself? Does that mean that every week she gets a massage? What is it that can allow her to drop into that energy so that you can keep the lover archetype alive? Because the lover archetype can just disappear, especially if the mom isn't getting a break. So, that's-

 

Mason: That's huge. And just to put it into a man's perspective, there's progression there. There's momentum towards something, not just giving mom a break so she can survive being a mother, and I like that.

 

Juliet Allen: And there's a bigger purpose for it too. It's always nice to have a bigger purpose. Well, we want to be making love often still when we have children. So, how can we support each other to feel our sexual energy and have a high libido? Same goes for men. It's just as common for men's libido to drop too.

 

Mason: Absolutely. It's quite common. That's why I brought a deer antler into the [ranch 00:48:43].

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. That [inaudible 00:48:45] amazing.

 

Mason: It's going to have a massive glass ceiling if we're not having these conversations as well. Put them together, it's like 1 plus 1 makes 10, and then you can bring in everything else. What you're talking about there, the mother archetype entering your world, I feel like I've definitely had to mature and grow up in understanding how much life is going to change, and expecting it, and welcoming more complexity of layers to be laid upon life. And then how do you welcome that, not try and compare it to the simple structure you got used to, but then embodying it and learning that new terrain. You've got to constantly be a student of that. That's just what that brought up for me then. I feel like I'm getting better in just knowing, not sitting there expecting, waiting for when's life going to change big time, but knowing it is and having the adaptability, and the slipperiness, and the health to actually go on and absorb that and embody that new realm that you're entering into while knowing that you've still got the structures of your past and everything there is still embodied. You've got al that knowledge.

 

Mason: I don't know if there's any other last little points you want to take people home with. You've got the Authentic Sex podcast, and I think we've established it's 79 episodes.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah-

 

Mason: At this time-

 

Juliet Allen: We're just about to finish season two, and then season three comes out next month.

 

Mason: Okay, sweet.

 

Juliet Allen: And you're on that. So, Mason is on. It's quite recent. It's in season two. There's one on medicinal mushrooms, tonic herbs, and sexuality. So, if you're liking this conversation then you can head to my podcast, listen to Mason where I more ask him how can tonic herbs, and medicinal mushrooms, and health, how does that impact our libido and health?

 

Mason: That was a good one. I think I missed out on episode 69.

 

Juliet Allen: Oh, unlucky. That was 69ers.

 

Mason: Yeah. That was always going to be a sacred one that you kept for yourself, and I give props to that.

 

Juliet Allen: Yes.

 

Mason: Your Instagram's rad, Juliet Allen. Is it Juliet-Allen.com, your website?

 

Juliet Allen: My website is Juliet-Allen.com.

 

Mason: Yeah, I remembered that.

 

Juliet Allen: Very good. And my Instagram's juliet_allen. That's where I'm most active, Instagram. I just put all my energy into that.

 

Mason: If you've got any questions, do I dare open the can of worms, send you a DM on Instagram if you've got any questions?

 

Juliet Allen: If you've got any questions you can send me a DM, yes. I'm going to be doing some Q and As in my Instagram over the coming months. So yeah, it's cool to hear what people want to hear about-

 

Mason: That's good. I've been doing those a lot on SuperFeast, throwing up ... You mean just in the stories, like throwing up that ask me anything?

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. I used to do it and it got so much great feedback, and then I just stopped because I couldn't be bothered videoing and all that. But now I'm thinking of videoing some, getting some done and putting them on my feed, because I have no video content. This is just now a conversation around business and social all that.

 

Mason: But this is like make sure you can do those up to an hour. If you've got a video you want to do up to 10 minutes if you just want to upload on your phone, you can upload to Instagram TV and then that goes on your feed.

 

Juliet Allen: Oh, really?

 

Mason: And so, it goes up to 60 seconds but it shows up on the feed and then people can click on it and watch up to 10 minutes. So, if you've got, obviously someone sends you a question about 69ers, how to do those, you go okay, great. I need five minutes to talk about that. You can just whack it up on your Instagram TV. They changed it two months ago that it actually comes up on the feed now, not just isolated in that little pocket on-

 

Juliet Allen: That's interesting.

 

Mason: Yeah-

 

Juliet Allen: See how dynamic we are? For those running a business, you now just learned about Instagram usage from Mason and learned something new-

 

Mason: Yeah. I'm absolutely loving it. I'm loving Instagram. Guys, you've sent me a DM. Send Juliet a DM. We're trying to get more active, but don't get offended if we don't get back to you right away.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. It often takes me a long time to sift through messages, but I am aiming to reply personally to everyone.

 

Mason: Thanks so much for coming on. I have learned a lot and got a lot of insight.

 

Juliet Allen: You're welcome. It's an absolute pleasure. I wanted to mention just the masturbation utero. You know how we said we'd come back to it?

 

Mason: Oh yes, of course.

 

Juliet Allen: What we were referring to, Mason and I, is that science has proven that babies are self pleasuring in their mom's tummy when they're growing, and from the moment life begins when they can move their bodies they're actually masturbating. That shows just how natural and normal it is, and that's what we were referring to at the start.

 

Mason: Well, it would make us all very happy if you went and dropped what you were doing and masturbated right now, and enjoy yourself and develop that beautiful relationship with yourself. Remember, you've been doing it since you were literally in your mother's belly.

 

Juliet Allen: Yeah. So, connect back in with that essence of being alive. That's all it is. It's just energy.

 

Mason: We were being facetious. I was yelling the shame at the top of the episode, but more than anything when you first shared that I was like bam, any [programming 00:53:44], industrial, media driven, advertising driven, Catholicism driven idea of shame and touching yourself, and don't be shameful. That shame is somewhat still there, or embarrassment is still there. I definitely bump up against it for sure. You were talking about just touching your arm and your thigh, and I thought you know what? I've got a little bit more work to do on that. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, but lying there, and I've done a lot of that over the years, but it's still there's something there in terms of I can go a little bit deeper into why I'm actually doing this and what that means for me. I'm sure men and women bump up against that any, whatever emotion. Maybe it's a bit of shame, or embarrassment, or just I don't know what to do here. I think sitting in that ... You mentioned we kind of got to that conclusion that for me a little bit of surrender is probably a bit of medicine right now.

 

Juliet Allen: Surrender, and allowing yourself to receive, and knowing that you are worthy of receiving, and you don't need to give anything back. So, with self pleasure it's like you're worthy of receiving that touch. And then when you're with your partner you are worthy of completely being worshiped and receiving. You don't need to give her anything. You actually are. You have a beautiful heart, you're a beautiful man, as is every man in their true essence, and you're worthy of that. So, work on the worthiness for receiving.

 

Mason: Receive everybody. Big love to you all. Thanks so much.

 

Juliet Allen: Thank you.

 

Mason: Everybody, thank you so much for tuning in today. Now, time to take that information, ground it into your lifestyle so you can amplify your health to the next level. You can really help amplify the health of this podcast by going onto iTunes and subscribing and leaving us a review. It really helps us spread this information around tonic herb, around sovereign health further out there to the community so we can help more people experience the best out of this life. Thanks g