Continuing with our focus on men's health this month, we've got Nick Perry on the show. Nick works as holistic lifestyle coach and a corrective exercise specialist. With a special interest in men's health, Nick loves to take a holistic approach. Exploring the relationship between the physical, spiritual, mental and emotional bodies and how they relate to our sexual health and our expression of life in general.
Today is a juicy one folks! Tune in to hear Mason and Nick journey through the multidimensional landscape of sexuality and libido.
Nick and Mason discuss:
Who is Nick Perry?Nick Perry is a Holistic Lifestyle Coach, Corrective Exercise Specialist and Remedial Massage Therapist who is passionate and driven by authentic relating and inspired living. Nick’s education in Corrective Holistic Exercise Kinesiology (CHEK) draws from personal mentoring and learning from some of the world’s leading healers and physical therapists. Known for his deep presence and down-to-earth nature, Nick’s goal when working with clients is to leave them feeling empowered and aligned in themselves - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
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Check Out The Transcript Here:
Nick. Thanks so much for being here with me in Brovember.
Thanks for having me, Brother.
I was trying to kind of tracking back and trying to figure out how, we've known each other since back in the days of the Frenches Forest Market.
Frenches Forest Markets. That's what I was going to say. That was the center point for us. We were kind of like ships in the night.
Our paths would cross, we'd dig each other's vibe but that-
A word wasn't passed..
Stop, that bro down never happened, did it? You know when it was, you might not remember this, but the first time that we got a moment together was at a flower, that was like a Shamanic Dance ceremony and Carmen Moratas what was running it and I got to chat with you and it was literally like weeks before you moved up and started this Odyssey of yours, coming up here. That was the time where it was like sick [crosstalk 00:00:54].
I brought my mum.
[crosstalk 00:00:55] your mum, yep.
Brought mum, and I had just gotten back from Peru where I bumped into Carmen at Machu Picchu. We had that kind of connection going on, which was amazing because it kind of made Machu Picchu for us, and she gave us the Coca leaf and taught us how to sit there in prayer specifically on that mountain, and the spots to do it and how to weave in your intention in your prayer. Until I got back and Adrian, you know Adrian, the human flower?
As soon as you said flower I was like, all right, it's something that Adrian was at.
He was definitely there.
Actually remind me, I've got some of his new Agua Florida, which is called Medicina, the flower water, just ceremonial flower water, the ones coming out of Peru often like petrochemicals.
The yellow bottle.
The yellow one where we all have, you've sat in ceremony, you have that memory of just having it like spat all over you. They've got one that's just pumping, it is incredible. I'll give you some after but finally, we're actually getting a good chance to sit down and chat. Do you want us to give everyone a bit of a rundown of what you get up to with yourself? I'm sure that can be succinct if you want in general, but I'm sure it'll kind of come out in the wash in the interview.
I suppose. I'll just give a little bit of background about myself for context's sake. I'm not just some dude. My name's Nick Perry. I work as a holistic lifestyle coach and a corrective exercise specialist. In the last couple years, I've been very involved in men's work specifically. The way that I like to operate is very holistically. It just absolutely makes sense to me to factor in and to explore and to incorporate things of matters of spirituality, of the emotional bodies, of the mental body and the physical form and how we live and relate in this plane of existence with one another. That's my jam and that's my deep passion, and everything that sort of offshoots from that. I'm like nutrition for example. I heard you say earlier on when we were chatting, like hormonal regulation and some of the feedback of life shows up in so many different ways. Biochemistry is just one of the myriad. I like to get around things in a very holistic sense. That's sort of how I work and what I'm interested in.
There's a couple of things you'll touch on then. I think it'd be really nice to be able to come down back to a pillar, you know there's many pillars, a pillar in this chat. If we can keep on coming back to that concept of libido and rather than widening everyone's perspective and men's relationship with what that is deepening the concept. I feel like that'd be a nice place to continue to come back to. Especially, I wouldn't mind getting into, what I think is really fascinating is that integrative, that conversational aspect of body, emotions, your intellect and your mind and then your spirit, your essential cells. I got something I'd definitely recently, I feel like I've gotten a bit more conversation between all those aspects in myself and, but just over the years, that's always been my biggest trip up, in where my deepest patterns can come over and just start ruling my life is when I have this huge inner turmoil, when fighting between these two segments of my life. Especially if one's run off. If my mind and my morality and my logic is run off and created an identity for myself.
Then I realize that I've gone too far and I don't know how to get back. That can happen with diet, that can happen with ideology, or whatever it is. You come off center, naturally for me especially when you get a little bit older, you see that's going to be one of the core things that starts bottoming out libido, right?
Most definitely. That's a beautiful, I suppose entry into what we're talking about because libido is feedback, and it's nice because it's very clear. It's either we're turned on or we're not. If we became a bit more objective around that, and removed the stigmas and the definitions of, I'm horny or I'm not horny, and became more observant of our own inner libido, we can actually nurture a very healthy relationship with a low libido and see the value in that as a feedback mechanism. It's like, okay, I'm noticing that my life force has decreased, to the point that my body has in a way decommissioned my sex drive. That's a gift, that's one of the most loving things the body could do for us is to say, "Hey, pay attention. Where are you making your choices from? Why are you burning the candle so low? Whose values are you expressing?" It can be our home base, it can bring us back in. The thing that I really like about libido and sex drive is, it's a difficult one to repress or to ignore. It screams us-
That's a good point.
... to the face particularly because culturally we're so, to a degree sexually geared, and then biologically we're sexually geared obviously, which is what we are speaking to now. Instinctually we're sexually geared as well, to honor high libido but also to honor low libido is a very valuable thing to cultivate for every single individual in my opinion.
You mean the state, the fluctuating nature within ourselves or in different men in different situations?
I think just as a simple barometer, as a simple feedback tool. I know, for example, I use myself as an example. I know if I'm horny, I'm well rested, you got it? If I don't have sex drive, or the desire to ravish, then that's an indicator to me that my Qi's running low. That I've kind of betrayed myself to an extent in that I've traded in my health for some other sort of gain. I've lost the awareness, and I've lost the equilibrium and that low libido is indicating that to me. It helps me refine my center, reflect on the choices that I've made over the last four weeks, for example. Then I get the opportunity then, to cultivate a more honest relationship with myself and the intention that's driving my actions. A pattern for me, subconsciously, which is sort of an expression of my wounded is overcompensating.
I get to reflect and check in, fuck over the last month, has my inner child really been in the driver's seat or has it been more of my king energy. As my warrior and my lover of being present with me and my inner father figure for example. Or did I lose awareness and fall into that old way of being and the overcompensatory pattern that's mine. I see it in a lot of other people that I work with, and friends and family and whatnot. We've all got our thing, that's going to create outcomes, and it's an inauthentic way to live and be and relate. I need feedback to be able to see that. That's the wisdom of the body speaking to me. It does that in a myriad of ways. The libido is a very loud and clear one for me where, I know, I've been unaware or unconscious in my decisions and actions for some time because for it to get to a stage where my libido is dropped, it takes a bit.
Especially to overcome like biological markers as well, that would be there because you've essentially, this is really important. I know you talk about these pillars a lot, and I think we should probably get to it later in the chat. Hydration, movement, diet, breath, so on and so forth. All these things, which are so paramount, if you're rocking those, because we've both been patterned to just making sure that those things are rocking. Hydration, actually speaking of hydration, I'll pop some molecular hydrogen in your water there. Hydrogen, super antioxidant. However, that stealth anti androgenic libido smasher, I [inaudible 00:09:20] point to like, I can definitely speak for myself, those emotional patterns and those intellectual patterns you start taking on during childhood and start running wild.
Definitely got mine emotional, but even if I go to an intellectual pattern, for me that was just really thrashing lately. In the last couple of years even, was that what I've been trying to really get a handle on it and what emerges if that's in its place, is that trying to control how I'm perceived by other people at all times. Obsessively in thinking that maybe the mind is in any intellectual, get bored of this and get atrophied after a while. It's just not, I'll just keep on sucking all your energy and that what eventually happens is, we start leaking the Jing. If you don't have, you keep going with your lifestyle and keep on getting enough daily Qi to kind of keep on feeding this addiction, this way of being, or for me, I'd say it was a dysfunction when it's excessive, as you were saying as well with your emotional wounded child, but then at some point it starts leaking Jing.
If you're already walking on eggshells as well, that's going to just immediately just suck up all that libido and all those sexual juices and that, it's all right, so in that. Because that's for me, I realize I'm getting a little bit older, a little bit wiser. I've got my daily practices of breath, I'm working, we went down to the little gym area we've got here at SuperFeast, there's things to be doing, but what's the center? I don't give a shit about superficial outcomes anymore. I don't give a shit about achieving certain elements of flexibility and strength or endurance things anymore. That always led me to those inner patterns and that disharmony between my mind and my emotion that led me to that place where I would slowly be leaking Jing, and maybe I could still get it up, but it's still, I wasn't really able to embrace that fiery sexual essence of myself.
In that nature of chop wood, carry water consistency, what are you doing daily or what are your greatest takeaways from your journey so far that are allowing you to come back into harmony, daily so that you're getting to the source of what's possibly wiping out that essence to begin with?
It's easier when we have rituals, and when rituals are tailored right. When we figure out what's right for us because the one I'm about to say, I'm not dogmatic about, what I'm about to share of my own rituals is what I have experimented with for a lot of years and had support in and it comes from a range of different ideologies and modalities, like TCM, man, the Taoists wanted to live forever.
Yeah. Their practices are really enjoyed. Then it's like some of the Tantric stuff and the yogic stuff and it's about, and then my own sort of creative flow and expression. But, when I wake up in the morning, for example, what I find works for me is checking in with my thought forms. That's super important. Checking in like is fear alive in me? Am I starting the day with fear alive in me? If it's there, to not reject it but to inquire, like what am I afraid about? What am I anxious of? Where is this projection coming from? That would be my first port of call in entering into the day, making sure that I'm making it, taking actions that conducive to a high libido. That's where it begins. Next thing, it's like a little detox ritual that I like to do. Like tongue scraping, that's an Ayurvedic thing.
Hard hitting questions, copper or stainless steel?
Oh, stainless steel.
I don't know which dosha that means that you have, but anyway [crosstalk 00:13:08]
No, breathing and then hydration. There are those pillars. Breathing in, water and thoughts reign supreme as the top three. That's where I start.
When you're doing your, looking at your thought forms, I say this because you mentioned you were a wounded child when your inner child, which is I get to be reductionist about it is very much about feeling states. Do you tune in? Do you have a personal method for tuning in to how you're feeling, of a morning or is that something more that you find is consistently working on throughout the day?
How do I access the awareness of those quieter pieces and those subconscious pieces? My way is through the body. I'll notice typically, if I have a bit of a trajectory fear, my energy goes, and it stays from my neck up and it's sort of sitting around my head. What I do is I consult all corners of my body. Just with the breath, that's how I direct my intention. I'll breath down and I'm like, Oh, I can't breathe into my solar plexus. It's so tight right now, it's gripped with fear. I'll just breathe in and start to sort of mobilise the energy and the physical symptom of that energy until it starts to sort of open and soften and let go. Then I'm like, what was that about? It's through the body that I make that inquiry. Rather than notice that my head's busy first thing in the morning, it's a new day, that I've pulled yesterday in today, you know, that's a bit weird what's going on.
I can't really unravel that or redirect that from the head space, so I need to come back down into the body and kind of get the circulatory system, all that energy in motion, make sure it's moving and not hyperactive in certain areas or underactive in certain ways. Hopefully that answers your question.
It's such a broad question. It does answer it. I was just curious in your little tag. It's something I really noticed my own, if I'm going to trip up, it's because I'm not taking, at least if I don't have that practice present and I don't have that dedicated time, I'm very good at constantly, throughout the day, tuning in and checking out what's going on. But if life's too busy, that doesn't work, creating that spaciousness and they come in every tradition, whether it's Taoist or Yogic or Shamanic or indigenous anywhere and everywhere, including psycho spiritual, they're always having a spaciousness to do the same thing every day where, and my acupuncturist is just kind of like really getting in and tuning at the moment in terms of that, you want to know what chop wood and carry water is?
Imagine you're fucking chopping wood for the rest of your life. It's not going to always be super insightful. You are literally getting an insight. The whole nature of enlightenment is letting go of that insight and going back to the mundane of chopping that wood. It's not that exciting anymore. That concept is the same as when you tune in every morning, what's going on with your emotions and feeling in or however it is through your body. You said, then, when you like doing your release of your diaphragm, that feel and then you heard that, what's going on there? That might just seem like a rhetorical question, but I think what I can feel is that, that wasn't a rhetorical question. That's like an actual, alright, come on what's going on in here? What am I feeling?
That's always my little, if I trip up, it's if I don't have that time where I go, I think you're saying, that's what I like, I do wake up in the mind, all right, what's going on and where are these thought falls coming from? What do I need to do to bring freedom to that space? Then how am I feeling? How am I feeling? Then how's my body feeling? That's something I've been... you bringing this up, there's four aspects of self, and I'm turning up to my practice for me at the moment, and just really stopping and seeing and feeling what the body needs when it gets to that back clear point.
That has been the most incredible thing for the depths of my libido in that, allowing the emotions to be felt, allowing my intellect to actually be acknowledged. Then what's coming through, is that melting pot in that refinery of then the spirit coming through. But I just wanted to hit that, because next, then just get your little tidbits on that. That's rad.
Then we're going on to the fact that we're talking libido. We've opened up talking about this. A lot of people know Juliet Allen, your partner, your lover, because she's been on the podcast previously and three half years ago, four years ago, she was on my podcast and the SuperFeast once was the most listened to podcasts, it was a great podcast. Just talking about all the things, talking about hand jobs, talking about-
All the cool things.
... talking about all the cool things, talking about sexual cultivation. Everyone loved it. But now we've chatted about these concepts of having these parts in ourselves that can be fractured, coming together and unifying and being tended to. Basically what I wanted to talk about now that we've talked about that, for everyone to know it, but that's the first place we've started in talking about libido.
Now, let's start talking about the fact that there's some guys listening. They'll be like, whoa, your longterm partner is a sexologist, one of Australia's most respected sexologists, and she's very avert and like Juliet, anyone who has listened to her. Now you're dating a sexologist. We're talking about libido. Where does the conversation go now? You mentioned before one of the things that, it pops up in our minds, what was it like in the fucking beginning, man? Were you thinking, shit! Were you trying to pull out techniques? Were you going back and reading the book, She Comes First? Was it just like, you just have to just throw it out and just assume that she'd be conscious enough to not judge you or did you have a process to actually get into a place of self love where you didn't feel any of those fears or anything?
Because I think what we're all talking to here or we're projecting that onto you, which I think I would probably, I can get the part of myself that would be thinking about that. We start touching on what you were speaking about earlier, is those unspoken social taboos or concepts or pressures that we have on ourselves and our own cocks and our own sexual performance there. That's what I assume where these questions towards you would be arising from, and maybe just a little bit of curiosity as well. If you wouldn't mind, let's open up that can of worms.
It's a cool one. I want to make it as transparent and honest as possible. Just for the sake of that. How did I feel when we first... reflecting, I wasn't overthinking it at the time. For me, in the early stages of hooking up before it was an established relationship. Actually you know what, there was definitely a part of me that was thinking bring your A game.
It's just as simple as that boys.
Definitely. Actually that's cool because I've kind of, where our relationship's evolved to now is just very expansive and it's more, I suppose there's a lot of other pieces in there, but early stages, how was it? All right. Ah, I haven't divulged this before, but I will because it's true, right? I came across Juliet, I'd heard of her work and I had just recently started getting quite involved with tantra and tantric practices. Anyway, I came across her Instagram and slid into the DMs. That's where it starts, I was like, "Oh wow-"
Is that, you guys tuned in on Instagram?
... I was like, wow, this is a really interesting woman.
That's how Tahnee and I met, on Instagram as well.
For sure, it's like this is the age that we live in. It's possible to connect and initiate consciously through the social media platform for sure. That's what happened. I was like, there was a part of me that was almost, like there was a cheeky part of me that was like, "come on, have a crack." It was in our stories, and there was a Brian Jonestown Massacre song that I really like, and I was like cool, there's a relation point there, connection. Then anyways, so that's where the conversation started and then it fade away and for certain reasons and disappeared. But it was all cool. Then the universe sort of brought us back together and it came back up and then the day came when we had our first date and that was lovely. Then there was the second date where it was a bit like, okay, we've got that out of the way, now our true nature can come forward even more.
She's very sexually geared, I'm very sexually geared. So there was the chemistry that took care of itself. But then there was the part of me that had this desire to perform. I think that's what you're asking, or where we're directing this is like, how conscious is that expectation that a man or a woman has on themselves to, "perform". What does perform mean? Because performance is defined by a plethora of assumptions. Those assumptions are established through how sex is portrayed to us from the moment that we're born, as this sort of really private taboo thing when we're kids, then we start to figure it out for ourselves as teenagers. It's a little bit more like raw and unconscious and-
... Who knows what kind of patterns and stories we'd got if our parents weren't overtly loving each other, or if we saw them hiding it all. Seemingly just like, they watch porn or if we just walked in on them having sex and didn't have any context for it or anything like that. Who knows what pops up. Then as you're saying, you add in the societal elements to it because we're so prone to societal ideology and programming when we're young and gooey. What's the cocktail that comes out there?
... Exactly. It's like what's the cocktail and a cocktail is more potent and-
Hi, sorry, I had to say this, is it called a flaccarita? All right.
You settle down, everybody. Come on, get serious.
10 deep breaths. It's about the unconscious way of relating and a sure way to down regulate polarity and chemistry in the sexual connection.
Can you say more about down regulating that polarity?
Yeah. Think of attraction in terms of a positive charge and a negative charge. So you look at a car battery or any sort of electrical current, there needs to be a very much negatively charged pole and positively charged pole. That's how that arc happens. That's how that spark ignites.
You're talking about generally like the polarity between a man and a woman especially?
Yes. We think of like negative, which is the drawing part of the current, pulling in as the feminine and the out, like the doing and the taking and the ravishing polarity as the positive, the masculine. What you will notice with, that awareness is like the most cosmic sex happens when there is a strong polarity in the room. When there's a strong polarity between two people. The point that I was getting at is what down regulates that magical cosmic charge is when we get stuck in our head. The times that we get stuck in our head, the worst is when the inner critic really comes through and really comes forward.
To bring that back to the context of what you and I were just talking around, like society's definition of a good lover and the social pressure of, how long did you fuck for? How many times did she come? Say these things, these performance markers-
Are we able to go straight away afterwards again.
... Yeah, all that stuff. There is a space for that, but where's the conversation in the mainstream around the sex without penetration. Sex doesn't just include friction and penetration. There is ways to connect energetically that, like an example I'll give is for somebody who's really not following. It's like, have you ever sat in front of your lover naked, cross-legged and eye gazed for five minutes? Noticed how your breath synchronizes and notice how you feel. Either your cock or your pussy starts to tingle and you start to feel that sex center really awaken and really awaken and that charge gets really strong. If you can hold the breath, keep it cycling and circulating, typically you'll notice that charge goes all the way up and you start to really feel it in your chest, in your heart center. That starts to tingle, and that starts to open. Suddenly it's like you get to a stage where you feel that you are, you have penetrated the person sitting in front of you without the physical penetration per se having occurred.
To bring it back to what we're speaking to, it's like the piece that I'm reflecting on for myself was how much of these tantric tools had I learned and how capable was I of applying that? My first, Juliet and mine first hookup, and how much of the old way of being stuck in my head and being goal-orientated and being more concerned about having the reputation of a mack, than actually having a deep intimate connection. Where was I? Where did I land in that? Somewhere in the middle, I reckon.
Did you feel like, because I can kind of like from personal experience, I don't know whether this is the case, especially in the beginning when the oxytocin is cranking as well, I feel sometimes the most virtuous aspects of ourselves can very naturally emerge. I feel after that honeymoon period for me burst and all those insecurities come crashing forth. That's, just to make sure that I'm not just talking about that initial stage for anyone listening as well or even for yourself. I just wanted to kind of put that out there as well, just in case that was something worth speaking to.
That's arguably far more important to speak to, because everybody at least knows conceptually, or a lot of people have experienced the honeymoon stage. That is the newness of a relationship where that polarity takes care of itself, for the most part. There is so much charge and so much of that you'd like you say, oxytocin running through the bloodstream and then we become familiar with one another and we stop looking at each other through new eyes each day. That's where the demise begins I think. We create... the mystery and the wonder of the person starts to fade and we start to form an idea of them. If we're not conscious, most of those ideas are just projections of ourselves.
Or our parents.
Yeah. Parts of us that, of our parents. Then we stop seeing them through new eyes and that aliveness and that magic and that wonder of the honeymoon stage fades. We typically fall into our old way of being again. Then, we've got this mirror in our life now, that if we don't take responsibility for ourselves, we start blaming them for the things in us that are unresolved or where we're feeling miserable or blind. What happens is, it's like we start to go into a familiar way of being, and it's like the thought and the emotion that equates to our state of being. That's thought forms, unconscious and conscious and the chemistry, the hormones that those thought forms signal. Then we've got this like cellular neurochemical identity and we've arrived back there. If we weren't fully in love with ourselves before the relationship, the relationship isn't going right to fill that hole, basically. If we're not cultivating connection and relationship where there is awareness and ownership of that, and structure where we can support each other in seeing that and resolving it for ourselves, then that's when toxicity forms.
What about... because self love is, I feel like almost a term, for me became quite cliche from the Instagram world. But I always, endeavour to not let my judgmental mind, just [inaudible 00:31:37] like sit there and go and go into the depths of what we're actually talking about about self love. I definitely, I feel like that's, I'm kind of getting the gravity of that lately. The extent and just how uncomfortable... I thought I was, maybe I'm happy to say I love you to my dad, but there's quite often something a little bit uncomfortable there. But the gravity of how uncomfortable I was really feeling in love with myself and not needing to be overtly... I've gone, had experiences just like trying to.. Trying to deepen my own sexual relationship with myself.
Again it was a little bit... that's something that may emerge from my self love. That's okay. But I was inherently, I guess that inherent shame of feeling how sexually, how much of a sexual man I am, which we all are [inaudible 00:32:31]. I shouldn't generalise like that, but a lot of us are and just feeling like what do I do with that? I'm so used to sending that out or that for game or using that to please someone else. What do I do with that much love, including what I now kind of feel is that sexual Yang energy.
What do I do with that..? What does that self-love look like? I think it looks very simple externally, but just anything to talk to in that process of you coming back to loving yourself, therefore not projecting onto your partner?
Yeah. I'll put a scale to it I suppose. Because like you said, it gets thrown around Instagram a lot and it's like, oh, if you've got problems, just love yourself. It's like that's not helping.
Just have a self care Sunday.
Don't forget the bath.
Oh, and the bath bomb and little glass of bubbly 80, 20 [crosstalk 00:33:33].
You really love yourself.
That's what we here to do. Loving yourself is your life's work and it's important to make that your center. Like that's your center. That's where you return to. I'll give an example, so this makes a bit more sense. There's lots of people championing and promoting and holding in high esteem, philanthropist work, being in service to others. So that's, when it's done unconsciously, is one, codependent, which is unhealthy. Two, the philanthropist work becomes the source of distraction for coming home to the authentic self, back to the heart temple. I want, because you mentioned the Instagram thing, I just wanted to drop that as well because self love is a very personal journey.
We can review spiritual philosophy and we can get coaching and we can accumulate different tools through our toolkit. But the integration, the application and the exploration of the path of self love doesn't stop ever. If you get there in this lifetime, then you'll essentially ascend. Self love-
[inaudible 00:35:17] Don't worry guys, you'll get there and it's good, me and Nick liked it.
That was super fun. It was cool hanging out with the Buddha. He's a cack...
He's all right.
Oh hell no. Look, take it from me, anyone listening. I don't love myself, but I am on the journey. That journey requires acceptance of where I am. You can't take a step towards self love, without first accepting exactly where you are exactly as you are.
That extends to exactly how your body is. I think I've heard you talk, actually I've heard you talk to Juliet on your podcast about this. That felt familiar, accepting where your body is at, before you're taking a step into the gym or into your own personal practice. Accepting what your cock and your libido and your body, doesn't necessarily mean justification. Doesn't mean sitting there and just gorging on what, I accept this is how I am and that's it. I'm just going to sit here. [crosstalk 00:36:30].
It's not apathy.
No it's not apathy. But that's probably one of the most... that for me, or just you saying that, that brings up that wall of, "Oh, that's uncomfortable." Damn and what if you go beyond the superficial and you go to that part of yourself that in all reality, doesn't change, it's been constant through all the fluctuations of your body and your libido, through the last few decades. For most people that had been listening, and so, but by logic sake, there is something which transcends all of it. Because it's still in you, you have to have it in that relationship with yourself and that coming home to, even that consideration of who am I. What is love? What is that love and how does it, how do I relate to it within myself? And feeling that non pressured, what's it going to be like when I'm 80? Maybe this is... maybe when I'm 90 maybe this is a nice intention, speaking for myself now, it's a really nice way to go into my personal practice and my movement, or even my diet exploration and definitely my sex life. Even my relationship with my daughter.
Where am I coming from, from that place where, it may be when I'm looking at those things and when I'm 80 years old and feeling into those things that I have settled into, more of a loving place, whatever that happens to be, that's nice, slow and steady to engage, right? That's massive. You're saying it wasn't just sexual techniques when you first got together?
But I'm saying it was too.
I was going to say, what's the 80-20 rule come back and apply again? Just as a general. 80% self love.
For sure that's the acceptance piece, right? Acceptance of our shadows, because projection of our shadows, of our savage, of our tyrants, of our... just gives them more reign, more space to be calling the shots. I think sex is a vehicle for spiritual exploration, big time. Because there's those parts, sex, with all the stigma and the shame that just comes with the territory in our society and culture. It's kind of a private place to start to work on parts of the self that we wouldn't dare expose to anyone. Whenever I'm working with someone, and they're not sure where to start, the thing that I sometimes cue them with is, "What's the one thing you don't want me to know about you? What's the thing that you would be mortified to expose?"
Take that idea and take it into the bedroom and do it consciously and hold space for your partner to do the same. Then there's this exploration, and there's this healing going on, but there's also an integration, because how we show up in the bedroom is how we show up to life.
Can I also say, because you're talking about communication there. Have you got an example? Even just made up, of something that you wouldn't want known and the kind of process of communicating that, or how you would hold space or request space to be held?
Yeah. Well in the context of sex?
Yeah, let's look at that.
Probably the obvious one to go to here is kink. Just as an example of where might somebody be suppressing themselves. That means where are they denying their truth, that this is what turns them on. Because maybe they'll be rejected. There'll be suppression of that and that suppression festers and turns into resentment to the other person, because they're not stepping out of the comfort zone and initiating a conversation around, "Hey, this would turn me on. How does that land on you and would you be into exploring this role play with me?"
It's like, I want to choke you or we want to choke each other, for example. Somebody might be like terrified to expose that. How do you initiate the conversation? By first of all, know that it's not a good idea to just dive into it. To sort of stare yourself in the eyes in the mirror and just run out and say, choke me, whatever it is. A sentence that works for me is, when is a good time to talk to you about something that's important to me? It's not bad, because it's really respectful of the person.
Sorry about my weird. But I'm like, "damn, that's good."
It gives time for that person to center themselves and to assume that the polarity of the space holder. They're not going to be in a reactive place and they know that you are going to go to more of a vulnerable space. That can be very, if you're the space holder, it can be like a ... I'll give you an example because, typically the feminine has a freer flow of emotion. It's actually, an access emotion and express emotion, and that's a generalization-
But I think that's a fair one.
... it's a fair one. We see evidence of that easily.
Just physiologically, governed by Blood and Yin versus men being governed by Qi and Yang.
Right on. Imagine if you lived in that state. For a man to just cross the bridge and be like, how would that be? How would that be? It's actually a gift for a man to ask a woman to hold space for him to go into that emotional place in that feminine flow. Because then she gets a break. She gets to pause from being in that place and she gets to be, sort of occupied the voidal space in herself while she's holding space for you to go into that vulnerability or whatever's coming out that emotional charge to move that.
Back to, how do you initiate a conversation like that? That sentence is a great one. To bring in, if you're not sure where to go, allow a playfulness to be present in the conversation and you can do that by just going, "Oh, I'm really nervous here. I want to talk about some things that turn me on that I haven't shared with you yet. I just love to just expose that to you and see if you'd be open to exploring that with me."
Dude so good. Couple of things popping up, first of all, the times when I've been there wanting to say that, it'd be nice to have that wording and as well as just, it's very obvious, but it's something that you forget when you're in your mind. Also, sometimes I feel like I've almost felt the pressure because one of my assumptions are, you need to know what you want as a man. Sometimes I just don't know what I want. In that instance of, say, if I was going to say in the instance of choking, I wouldn't be like, I don't know if that's what I want, but perhaps I'd like to explore. I feel like that, I would have liked to have known that ability to communicate. I'd like to explore this, without feeling that pressure that, this was my projection, that I'm going to get judged as someone who wants this when in fact I wouldn't mind if I knew that I wanted it, but maybe I don't want it.
I want to explore it and see where it goes. I feel like that's a huge piece just opening up that space to be able to share. Would be able to communicate. Would you also think that that's a similar thing if there's, if you have insecurities about size, performance, not being able to get it up, sometimes coming too fast and quite often when there are not even issues, they're just thing, I know I've had my things that have hung on despite the fact that the evidence been to the contrary, that I still to maintain as absolute truths, whether it's just through chatting with boys and then making assumptions. Or porn, when you're in your early teen years or whatever it is and it just sticks.
Was it working that same way? Do you find that approach of I wanted like something too important to talk to. When can we have a chat about something important? I just like to communicate this insecurity that's there.
Oh my God, yes. That is such an amazingly expansive conversation to have. Such a gift that you could offer whoever you're sharing that with, the safety that that creates for that person to then divulge something that they've been holding on to, is then formed. You've just created a container in pushing yourself to expose that shame piece for you. The healing alchemy of that, in sharing that is, I'll give an example. Cock shame, lots of women, from the women I've discussed this with, aren't aware of how afflicted men are with cock shame. What I also want to add to that is, the shame that a man holds around his cock will directly impact his self esteem in every other aspect of his life.
Men are holding back and they're not realizing that if you followed it in like what's the blockage? What's the limitation for so many males? Part of that is this perception they have of their cock and that their cock isn't good enough. That their cock isn't unworthy and that the cock is an appendage of the man. It's actually just, it carries into the rest of the being. The most amazing thing, and any brothers listening to this, just open your mind to exploring. If you maybe have some cock shame, is to go there and to speak to it. There doesn't need to be any fixing, or resolution that comes from it, but bring it out of the shadow and just name it. That is such an empowering fucking action to take.
You are saying, without that expectation or agenda on it being like resolved then as well. I think that's where my mind has put too much pressure on the sharing and wanting a resolution in that moment. That's where I've lost that motivation on continuously to just keep on bringing you into the light, sharing in appropriate ways. For bro's who are out in a relationship at the moment, you've got ways that they can go through that process for themselves?
Yes. Ok there's a couple of things that just sprang to mind. Become responsible for who you surround yourself with. If you were around men who can't go there, then put yourself around different men who are willing to have that conversation, who are mature enough to hold space for that, who might be willing to lean into that for themselves and expose that, and have a very beautiful intimate healing relationship, friendship conversation around that. How can you do that? I'm part of a non for profit organization called ManKind Project, MKP. Without going too deeply into that right now, that is a, they hold men circles. It's global. It's all around, it's all around Australia. It's all around the world. It's online, they're called igroups, the men circles that they hold, there's online igroups.
Literally, you can seek out the right environment and the right people and put yourself there, and push yourself to have the conversation. That is how you're going to step more into self love. Like we were saying, that's the trajectory of self love. That's the inconvenience of self love. It's not convenient to love yourself, because you got to drop, start dropping these defense mechanisms that have served you. They got you to where you're at, you're still alive.
It's not convenient based on the way that society is set up in the way we've kind of got that story about selves. How the propaganda machine is driven, the way that life needs to look for us. It's kind of completely go against grain of that and going with the grain of our spirit and our emotions and our integration, which is ultimately been like, life being more fun, and rad, and sexually potent more laughter and good parties and being able to fill your cup in terms of, we know your practice actually widening your cups so you can get out there and contribute to other people having a rad time in life.
I mean it would probably end with that, with men's circles, I think what some people, I see a lot of men, a lot of men around this area as well as, it's just like, I need to completely eject myself from all social circles that don't foster these kinds of conversation. Which I know you're not talking to but...Sometimes I feel like we take [crosstalk 00:51:39].
That's shadowy as fuck again. It's like going into, so thank you so much for bringing that up. Because what I'm saying is, if those relationships and environments aren't in your life, then choose to have them in your life and put yourself in them. That doesn't mean to scave and abandon and judge and condemn other men and brothers who might'n be making these inquiries just yet. We all have different degrees of readiness. There isn't a right or a wrong by any fucking means. There's no step in anybody's journey that isn't sacred or divine. It's like, the whole process is divine. Recognise the divinity in every person no matter where they're at.
That's like, that's ideology one-o-one. Going like, I'm ready to go down this route. Then, by all intents and purposes, you can look at a guy who's, maybe not doing that, but he's decided to take it upon himself to I don't know learn like carpentry or, go down the routes of like, mechanics or something like that and feeling that's something that he's exploring in himself right now. Then judge the shit out of you, because you're not actually taking the responsibility for your own car or house or whatever. It's all ideology. That's good. That's good stuff, it's spicy.
Nice. There's just one little thing as well I want to say. Because recently, I had a trippy experience with this. Talking about the cock thing, the cock conversation. "I'm going to say it out loud and be seen and witnessed in speaking to the cock shame is a very healing way to transmute that shame. The other thing is, start to befriend your cock again. What I realised was my cock was a commodity to me. It was a commodity to me, and it was a burden. It was either a commodity or a burden. It's like I lost the shame. It messed up.
Having a really positive relationship with your cock, how I... I had this experience a few months ago and I'd just done a sweat lodge and I was tripping and I came out and I was staring at the flyer and I was real head spinney and I sort of slumped over. I was slowly sorta like rolling up my spine, back to a standing position, I kind of went eye to eye, with my own cock. It was the first time I'd seen it, in a very long time where I was like, saw it beyond the flesh and artery that it is. I was like, Whoa and I really connected to what it does. It's like this part of me brings a lot of pleasure into my life. This part of me has the potential to create a human being to be a part of that birthing alchemy.
This is my creative center. This is the sacral chakra essentially. All my ideas that have come into fruition were birthed from this energy center and then that rose up through me and came out and became an ecosystem, in reality. I kind of appreciated my cock consciously for the first time in a really long time instead of being just judgmental about it and non appreciative. One thing that is nice to start practicing is, it's a cock gazing. It's like, look at your cock, look at it, look at it in the mirror, stand up and look at it as yours, as a part of you. It's with you on this journey of life. Get it on site again. It's your friend, it's your mate. That's a personal practice that you can do on your own, that can have... just really develop awareness and actually it can develop awareness.
It can expose how close your heart is to your own cock, or it can help you, which then becomes your priority, becomes your work or it can reconnect you to that, "Oh yeah. I fucking love, I love this fucking thing."
The cock can be the key to your heart.
You can see exactly what that looks like.
The circumference of my cock. I guess, we're laughing, but there's a degree of seriousness in there.
I think the laughing is a nice aspect to accompany the seriousness, because quite often another kind of thing that's unspoken, which is I just constantly observed myself as I have these peak experiences. Like you had a peak experience there coming out of ceremony and having that bang, whoa. Then not having, for a lot of men, like I said, I felt like this in the beginning, not realizing that it doesn't need to be at that peak experience state all the time. That it's just then it's like, ah, appreciation and that subtleness of that it's again the chop wood, carry water. You had your big pop moment and then you don't let it go, and just let that appreciation just seep in in very practical ways.
Even though it's possibly one of the most sacred relationships and there is an energetic reality to your Yang energy and your Jing energy and your energy of your cock and your libido emerging up and lighting up your heart so that your spirit can emerge. It's also very funny. Cocks and sex are very funny as well. You need to live your life. It's not all just some big hand on heart ceremony where you can go, then you go out of one societal taboo into a spiritual scene, sacred taboo, where you're not allowed to ever take the piss out of these things and actually live your life in accordance to who you are. There's someone in a way that's sustainable.
Totally. I think it was Alan Watts that one of his quotes is, it's all just a cosmic joke.
Yeah fucking oath it is.
It's an explosion of novelty and we're just picking up the parts of ourselves in this fucking, whatever this simulation that we're in, is [inaudible 00:59:30]. If you can't laugh, then you're totally missing the point. If you can't laugh at all of it, even the tragedy and the terror, then you're missing the point. Hell yes, such a great one to speak to.
Absolutely. With the tragedy, I mean, tragedy is tragedy. There's romance to tragedy at the same time. Likewise, there's tragedy of romance. But we don't have to trip out too much on that. But I think, because [crosstalk 01:00:01]. To bring us home, I just wanted to tune into something that I've heard you speak about, which is, if you want, I think quite often a gap I felt a lot of men would feel is we're able to just turn it on. We've got that Yang, we can just turn on and go, "Oh shit, didn't even realise I was horny." Perhaps it's a biologically driven horniness, perhaps not.
But the nature of, when you're in partnership and you are turned on by your life, then it makes it possible for you to be in that sexual dance, either with yourself or with your partner in at all times, every morning. Perhaps during the day, perhaps with texts, perhaps while making dinner, there is a continuation of your essence coming forth. It's not just you trying to be in foreplay at all times or trying to be sexy. It's an emergence an innate emergence because you are in fact turned on by your life.
I thought that when you were talking about that, I was just like, ah, yeah man. The concept of being turned on by the way you're managing your money, your job, your work, your contribution, your movement, whatever it is, is such a huge concept to all of this. I thought it'd be a nice way to take out talking about libido.
Hell yeah, man. It's the feedback. It's kind of, we're coming around full circle. We're talking, we started with saying, libido is a very quick way to check in on where you're at spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. When libido is down, that's a signal and you need to find what's out of step, what's out of balance. You'll get feedback when you are in making affirmative choices for your own authentic, for your uniqueness, for your own self. Because you will, you have sexual charge running through your body all the time. You'll feel turned on by the mundane. What would be seemingly mundane. It's like," Hmm, I'm going to ride my bike down and check the surf". It's just this enthusiasm and juiciness in that. You're exuding a high frequency basically.
To make sense of that, and I don't think that we've touched on this overtly, but your sexual energy is your creative energy. If you are creating your day, if you have a blueprint for your life that you chose and that is construct of your own core values, that's exciting. That's sexy, because you're building your own kingdom and it's an extension of you. It's an expression of you. It's like, my creative energy is running and where I invest, it returns back to me, because it is an expression of what I value. It's this cyclic charge, like the microcosmic, orbital breathing. It's coming up the spine and down and back up. But it's like a closed chain cycle.
That's why a high libido doesn't just indicate that you're horny and you want to fuck. It also can be a indicator that, I'm being true to me and the things that I'm investing my life force in and every minute of my life I don't get back. I'm exchanging my life for something that I value in return rather than working a job that you fucking hate. You're exchanging your life, like you're getting paid essentially because you're giving them your life. You gave up that company or whatever, eight hours of your life that you won't get back. Sure, you're getting paid for the labor or the skill. But to me, what's a more helpful context to review that from? Are you aware that you are investing your life into that person's project? Ok cool we've got that. Now, checking a little teapot.
Do your values align with that person? Does that person's mission inspire you? No. Okay. Do you feel miserable rocking up to that place every day? Yes. Does the frequency not align with your frequency? Yes or no fucking shit. Is your sex drive dropping? Yeah for sure.
Even in that situation like again, taking those little steps, just trying to bring as much of your values and not being smothered by the external values of the workplace even, right? Giving it a good honest try and seeing if you can drive, bring your goodness and your love and lustre for life. Especially if it's a situation you don't feel it's actually that easy to get out of. Give it a real good, honest try. But I think you're right. If it's just all hell no's everywhere you look, it might be a stealthy kind of antiandrogen, but it's going to be an antiandrogen 100%. Then when then what are we looking at? We're looking at lowered bone density, lower muscle mass, lower mental acuity, and then just lower ability to actually connect with ourselves and lovers to be able to actually sit down and look your partner in the eye and not get skiddish, should your patterns to come up, to be able to even just do that for like a few seconds.
That all starts washing out in that excessive sacrifice essentially, just going with the flows of marketing and the corporate world, or just that traditional business model, which is just pure flat out and more, more, more.
Consume, consume, consume. But for what? It's like, are you making love with the world? If you're not, know that, see that, and then give yourself three to five years to change that. Because, pretty much my point is, you're not getting, energy is not returning back to you day to day. For yourself, you're building an unbelievable kingdom and your company is a creation of your values and your passions. You rock up and you're surrounded by inspiration and you fucking embody life.That's probably the best description I could really choose for you right now. Is you are, you have a surplus of life force. You glow and that's-
That's unbelievably inspiring. That's a self fulfilling prophecy of yours for whatever reason. But it is a product of the choices you made. The choices you made, lucky for you, whether it was conscious or unconscious, had this determination to incorporate your core values and your passion and stuff like that. You wear it. I see it. You have two podcasts, your ecosystem is enormous. Then you've got these other beings involved in that. These beings are beautiful people who I got to meet today, and they've got a lot of life exuding out of them and they've got a beautiful high frequency. They're on board with that. That's an indicator that, your sexual energy is running and flowing and you are giving birth, you've given birth to a human being.
You haven't given birth yourself, but by, you know, your seed. You've given birth to this company. I'm sure there's other projects, you've got that little gym downstairs and it's like you've given birth to all these ideas. Those ideas have been projected out of the space in between your ears and into the world. Your sexual energy has given birth to that. That's how libido serves us beyond the bedroom. It doesn't need to be confined to sex, penetration, friction.
It's interesting, you just talking about the [inaudible 01:09:22], In that space because that, that connection is highly fit, has been known in theoretical and then that sexual energy is creative energy. Even just then acknowledging, there are creations here at SuperFeast on educating on the podcast and these things were, I can feel that creative essence and I can feel that satisfaction and joy there. Then tracking it back, to it's source, that's all just now, I've been a really nice practice for me to get in touch with the source of that creative essence and that sexual energy within myself. Also I appreciate the giving yourself three to five years saying that to the guys out there. This has been, there is a lot happening now, in SuperFeast which is happening exceptionally fast, because of how strong the foundations are and how many people are with the gym downstairs that comes together very quickly. Because I'm especially collaborating with Wazza who you've met.
We both had a creative outlet there. But then also going back and just seeing how all the hours of schlepping it, and accepting that meek, and that mundane and then over the years, possibly having appreciated as much as possibly can. You mentioned riding down, the checking the surf and just inquiring in those moments of how can those moments be infused with my essence and myself because it is always going for me. It's always a reflection that, I do have an external agenda right now that isn't representing my true inner intent. But that's just always biofeedback and experience and that, I think guys carry a lot of pressure. I'm going to do this. In one year's time, it hasn't all completely transformed on its head in but this is a practical thing, but it's worth speaking to that part of us that forgets this or maybe some boys listen to this and men listen to this. Kind of early on and I'm going to have that intense pressure on their self. Just nice and slow and steady consistency and it's your shit anyway. It's your journey anyway. It's your creativity anyway. You can't go wrong.
You can't go wrong.
It's going to be shit at times when you take responsibility and you stop trying to flee certain things that you just know that you should be sorting out in your life. It might be boring at times and mundane, but if you've really set your vision in that direction that it's purely you, you will infuse those areas with life. You'll fuck them. What does fucking-
Yeah baby that's right.
... when you look at the world, you just said that. What comes to mind is what happens when you make love and you fuck in the way that it's purely you. You are connecting deeply. You're having an intensely pleasurable experience. You're learning about yourself, if it's self-pleasure, that's sex specially with your lover, they're learning about themselves and opening up, how are you fucking the world in that kind of context? I think, I don't know whether I heard you say that or maybe Juliet talking about fucking the world as well, but that's kind of really materializing that idea or that concept and the reality of that's what's going on. If our creative and therefore manifesting expression is emerging from our sexual energy, then get really conscious about how you're fucking yourself, your lovers and the world.
Thank you man. That's such a beautiful elaboration and it just, it reminds me that there's breakup sex, there's wild sex. There's slow and intimate sex. There's kinky sex. In the bedroom, there's all these different ways to connect and relate. To keep that in mind that there isn't necessarily a right way to make love , in, like you said, in the creative process, in bringing your dream, materializing your dreams into reality, there are those really grindy days and that's just another way to fuck if you stay conscious. Then there's those really expensive elating days where it all comes together and that's another way to fuck. But yeah, if you stay connected to yourself, and stay accountable to your values and the blueprint that you've taken time to construct around, like what do I want my reality to look like and how is that going to make the world a better place and better the experience in this world for my loved ones? Yeah, go forth and fuck.
Yeah, I love it. On that, where can any men or women wanting to reach out, you're a holistic health coach. You work with people on many areas whether diet, functional movement, hydration, and then they're all leading back in entwining into this kind work and coming back to our genuine selves. Bringing together our emotional child, our intellect, body, spirit, anyone wanting to work with you. In that, I mean work with you one on one, but you also have a few offerings on your website, I believe. Where can they find you?
One on one coaching or sometimes courses or workshops and stuff come through. Best place is either the gram, so that's Rhythm Health, R-H-Y-T-H-M Health or my website, which is rhythmhealth.com. That would be the best way. Hit me up with an email. DM me on Instagram, as you heard earlier sometimes you get a reply and things work out for the best.
Guys go and slide into the DMs of Nick. Awesome man. Any final points? It's been really great having you on today.
Look, I just wanted to say this because I reflected on it driving down and it's very in context to what we have spoken of today. Today I was driving down with the sole intention to join you on your podcast and discuss matters that inspire us both. I felt a surge of gratitude. I just wanted to say that out loud, as a thank you to you for the opportunity. As a sort of reminder to anybody listening, that staying true to yourself is very inconvenient, very challenging lots of the time and especially at the start. But then life starts to give you feedback of leaving those labors of love and leaning into that. Today is, and this is a prime piece of feedback for me, that I'm just really grateful and it's nice to sort of occupy that space in myself.
Thank you to you. Thanks to everybody listening. Big time, it's an honor to have an audience. Huge shout outs to my amazing woman, Juliet Allen, who is continually inspiring me to be a better man and has been such a potent force in my own development of self love and connecting to healthy masculinity and encouraging me to come forward into the world and share my message. She's an incredible role model for that. Shout out to you, darling. Love you. That's it.
Thanks bruz. Thanks so much for coming on.
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